Higgins!

As I'm writing this, my tragically hip new "roommate" (the quotes are mostly there to emphasize the short time with which he and I will share this house) is moving in. Now, I've "met" him before, in passing mostly, but there's one thing that I cannot get over about him. Now, mind you, this is completely a superficial judgement, but it's something that has boiled up inside of me for some time now, and frankly, I can't take much more... Anyway, back to the subject at hand... My new "roommate" has one of those mustaches... you know, the creepy pedophile, Tom Selleck-circa-1986 mustaches. And, I dislike them. A lot. Why do I dislike them so? Probably because of the mouths they find themselves attached to... Traditionally, these mustaches find themselves on the faces of individuals who fancy themselves hip. So hip, in fact, that they feel it is necessary to be ANTI-hip, meaning, they counteract any semblance of decency, and go for borderline grotesque.

I don't know how many times I've seen these folks out and about, sporting vintage tees (often tank tops), and short shorts, along with their mustaches. They often have cut-offs (thankfully, not of the Never Nude label) and slip ons, and their hair is often windswept or just poorly cut. Again, all of this appears to be an attempt to be the exact opposite of appealing. I guess, maybe, I'm simply out of touch/whack/place, but if that were the case, I'd see this trend on more than just a select few, and certainly elsewhere besides the lovable city I call college home.

Anyway, this house I live in currently, seems to be like a bug light for people of this variety. Not long ago, our house was the famed "30 Minute Dance Party" house, and again, in an effort to appear more than awesome (?), several folks sporting these creepy mustaches would show up, dance awkwardly for 30 minutes, and then hang out, sweaty and repulsive outside on the front lawn. This lasted for about a year, which was long enough for me, because I sadly became rather annoyed with these shindigs, mostly because of the crowd they attracted: this dingy, creepy, anti-hip scenester crowd that was simply "too cool for school."

Anyway, long story short, I hate mustaches, of almost any variety. Tom Selleck can get away with one, because he's Thomas Magnum. He can pull off the short shorts, and the bushy mustache look. This trend was never meant for a revival, people. Certain things disappear for good for a reason, and sadly, the 80s is full of 'em.

I can only pray that this trend will end, like flared jeans and aviator sunglasses... In general, I dig the vintage aesthetic, specifically in regards to men's clothing (suits, in particular), but I draw the line at the things that require one to shop only at vintage clothing stores. Let's leave some things in the past, clothing included, but especially our facial hair.