Let's not do this, Elizabeth.

Got my first lemon from eBay today. I've had such good luck in the past, buying things used and getting them in great working order, oftentimes better than described. But today, I got a keyboard (the nifty Apple ones that don't click when you type and feel like you're basically typing on a cloud) that had not one but several dead keys. Of course the posting said nothing about dead keys. According to the person I was duped by, it worked just fine.

I have to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He may have picked this up from someone at a bargain, and failed to fully test it (which is stupid), or he possibly even tried to clean it and managed to temporarily (I hope) short out some of the keys. The keyboard FEELS new. It feels amazing. Aside from some smudgies around the edges, it's pretty nice. That's why I'm so bummed.

Never had to return anything from eBay. I did use eBay Buyer Protection once when I had a guy never ship me what I bought (the one blemish. But it doesn't count since it wasn't a lemon. Just a douchebag).  My hope is that the guy does let me return it, despite saying he won't. I suspect eBay Buyer Protection does not favor the seller, and such a blemish on his so-far spotless record might not be what he wants.

I do sincerely hope it's just some dumb water damage. I've read that once it dries, it works fine. But it apparently can take a while to dry...

Frustrating. After 10 years of eBay shopping, I'm finally wary about buying from there. Not cool, mystery seller. Not cool.

When did Kelly Osbourne get hot? And why she won't date me.

Aren't the Emmy's great?

....Said no one who didn't win an Emmy.

I tell myself every year that I'm not going to watch them because they're vacuous and lame, but I find myself, every single time, hooked to my stupid TV screen.

Bad jokes. Bad winners. Bad bad bad. Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad should have won everything. Have you seen Breaking Bad?

Breaking Bad got one award (and for the wrong supporting actor, to boot). Mad Men got none. Modern Family got far too many for what was basically the TV comedy equivalent of "coasting." Homeland was well-rewarded, but I have a hunch that show won't hold up in season 2 (even though I really, really want it to). Jon Cryer continues to mystify me, and seeing his wife made me sad (spoilers: she's gorgeous). Jimmy Kimmel is best in small, YouTube-sized doses, like when he's spoofing movie trailers or censoring Sesame Street. I miss Jimmy Fallon. Colbert was robbed, as was Louis C.K. (for comedy actor). Colbert deserved the Pulitzer for his SuperPAC stuff this past season, he was just that sensational, and yet he still can't get a freaking Emmy.

Glad Girls was shut out. Not interested in your hipster porn, Ms. Dunham. Why does Michael J. Fox STILL get standing ovations? I mean, we're all glad he's still around, but seriously. Stop.  It's not "brave" or "noble" of him to come out and present an award. He seems to function just fine without your applause (I'm assuming. It may actually be what powers him, like gasoline for cars or butterscotch for old people.)

Lastly, Amy Poheler.... Now that you're not with who I assumed was your soulmate, I'm totally ready and willing to take on you and your two probably adorable children and support them in holy matrimony. Or maybe I'll just let you do the supporting, I dunno. Just spitballin' here... Either way, you were [justly] robbed (because Veep is incredible television, let's be honest) and someday, somehow, you'll defeat Ms. Louis-Dreyfus in mortal combat and we'll celebrate together in what I assume is a really nice house with a super cool jacuzzi built for two. Think on it.

Same goes for you, Elizabeth Fey. But I'm cool if you stick with your talented husband. He seems pretty nice.

Also, Jon Hamm's hair: Someone tell me how to get my hair like that in a way that doesn't involve me shaving him bald and repurposing it on my own head like a wig.

Etherspace

Ever since I stopped tweeting, the part of my brain that I used to store witty asides and cinematic commentary for later tweets has become pretty crowded with... witty asides and cinematic commentary.

And if this were 1991, when I got my first journal from my parents, I would write them all there (ha!). Or if this were 2003, I'd tell the guy to my left (or right) who was spiritually assigned and attached to me like some grotesque skin tag (or a pretty one, if they were cool and liked the same movies as me).

But this is 2012, and my Web 2.0 wired brain cannot simply let these thoughts go gently. Indeed, my new brain dictates that they must be seen by all 11 of you and permanently placed in the Great Internet Etherspace (not a word) so I can casually come back to it two years from now and marvel at how awesome I was. Sharing has become mandatory and who am I to question a social mandate?

So, what you may experience on this thing from here on out are basically longer tweets. Random thoughts, expressed randomly. No schedule. No deadlines. 

Example:

Showed Days of Heaven to my mom on Sunday. Not the first choice for my moviephobic mother, but it was either that or Something's Gotta Give.

Yeah. Exactly.

My mom has never seen nor heard of Terrence Malick, but she likes young Richard Gere (despite him being "weird." Her word), and she loves a good romance, so it appeared to be a good pick. I protested, thinking she wouldn't like it, but like all good mothers, she tuned me out and did whatever she wanted. 

She seemed confused for the first half an hour, asking if the narrator was a boy and which girl was Richard Gere's girlfriend, and if they were really brother and sister. But, she eventually cooled and watched quietly. 

When it ended, her final thought nicely bookended her first: "That was weird." I didn't ask if she thought it was pretty (which it is, even on Netflix streaming HD. Still want the Criterion Blu-ray. Can only imagine how good that is...), so as to complete the Richard Gere analogue (pretty but weird). Would've been a nice moment.

She also watched the end of Jiro Dreams of Sushi. She said that was boring. She also thought they were Chinese (for like five minutes).

To be fair, my mom isn't stupid, despite what you may think. She just doesn't like movies. Give her a book and she'll disappear for hours, but she gets antsy watching anything longer than 42 minutes. I think Days of Heaven is a good introduction to a more artistic cinema that so many of us are accustomed to because it's incredible to look at and there is a compelling story, but it's not too pretentious. Really glad I didn't show her The Tree of Life.

Baby steps, Dr. Marvin.