When did Kelly Osbourne get hot? And why she won't date me.

Aren't the Emmy's great?

....Said no one who didn't win an Emmy.

I tell myself every year that I'm not going to watch them because they're vacuous and lame, but I find myself, every single time, hooked to my stupid TV screen.

Bad jokes. Bad winners. Bad bad bad. Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad should have won everything. Have you seen Breaking Bad?

Breaking Bad got one award (and for the wrong supporting actor, to boot). Mad Men got none. Modern Family got far too many for what was basically the TV comedy equivalent of "coasting." Homeland was well-rewarded, but I have a hunch that show won't hold up in season 2 (even though I really, really want it to). Jon Cryer continues to mystify me, and seeing his wife made me sad (spoilers: she's gorgeous). Jimmy Kimmel is best in small, YouTube-sized doses, like when he's spoofing movie trailers or censoring Sesame Street. I miss Jimmy Fallon. Colbert was robbed, as was Louis C.K. (for comedy actor). Colbert deserved the Pulitzer for his SuperPAC stuff this past season, he was just that sensational, and yet he still can't get a freaking Emmy.

Glad Girls was shut out. Not interested in your hipster porn, Ms. Dunham. Why does Michael J. Fox STILL get standing ovations? I mean, we're all glad he's still around, but seriously. Stop.  It's not "brave" or "noble" of him to come out and present an award. He seems to function just fine without your applause (I'm assuming. It may actually be what powers him, like gasoline for cars or butterscotch for old people.)

Lastly, Amy Poheler.... Now that you're not with who I assumed was your soulmate, I'm totally ready and willing to take on you and your two probably adorable children and support them in holy matrimony. Or maybe I'll just let you do the supporting, I dunno. Just spitballin' here... Either way, you were [justly] robbed (because Veep is incredible television, let's be honest) and someday, somehow, you'll defeat Ms. Louis-Dreyfus in mortal combat and we'll celebrate together in what I assume is a really nice house with a super cool jacuzzi built for two. Think on it.

Same goes for you, Elizabeth Fey. But I'm cool if you stick with your talented husband. He seems pretty nice.

Also, Jon Hamm's hair: Someone tell me how to get my hair like that in a way that doesn't involve me shaving him bald and repurposing it on my own head like a wig.