Of Hellos...

While on my way home this morning from class, I happened to run into the normal barrage of people who I know from my apartment complex on their way up to campus. This happens every morning, simply because there's only two ways to get to campus from where I live, and so, naturally....You get the point. Anyway, my problem with this daily occurrence stems from my insecurities when it comes to saying "Hey" properly. The first person I saw, I barely said a word to; the noise on the street made it impossible to hear anything, and I didn't even notice that she was trying to talk to me until we passed, and I caught a noise coming from her mouth. So there you have Awkward Hey #1. My hope at the time was that it would remain the only Awkward Hey of the day, but alas, as was expected, I would experience two more....
The second Awkward Hey was the most awkward of them all. It's the one that inspired me to write this post in the first place. The wet and cold day we're experiencing had me naturally placing my hands in the pockets of my coat, and they were rather comfortable there. I noticed up ahead a person I knew fairly well, and I wanted to acknowledge him, and try to atone for the sins of the previous Awkward Hey. My mind was racing trying to come up with the best means to say "hey", when suddenly I lifted my hand out of my pocket, and did a low wave. What ever compelled me to perform such a ridiculous motion is beyond even my comprehension. I mean, really, what did I intend to accomplish with such a gesture? It was as if I was performing some strange Jedi mind trick on him, forcing him to say "Hey" in return. I knew he'd acknowledge me, because that's just the sort of person he is, so why did I need to awkwardly wave my hand like that?!? In any case, that was Awkward Hey #2, the most awkward of them all.
Awkward Hey #3 may or may not be considered awkward. This one was a simple nod and a smile, as opposed to any foolish words. While I didn't do anything stupid outright, I could have possibly offended her by not saying anything, which is probably the greater sin .
But, my real question today is, what constitutes a proper "hello?" I'm pretty certain it's dependent upon the situation, but how can one avoid even the most awkward of hellos? Is there a surefire way to extinguish the problem?
Let's ponder this for a moment: Guys, in general, tend to not acknowledge people in a very warm manner. The common accepted greeting among this sex is the grunt and nod. I consciously abstain from the grunt and nod, because it looks both ridiculous, and slightly epileptic. I think that this is what gets me into trouble. The grunt and nod, while sometimes resembling a mild case of Tourette's Syndrome, might just be the least awkward means of saying "Hey" to fellow men. As far as women go, females never seem to have problems saying hey to one another. I did see "Mean Girls", so maybe there is much more going on inside than out, but it all seems so cuddly and gentle. They're usually louder and more spirited, and they tend to have much more physical contact than guys (i.e. hugs).
But, what happens when the two collide? Males and females, each with their own set of rules, trying desperately to acknowledge casually and quickly the other's presence.... This is where the Awkward Hey comes into play (that's the second time I've rhymed that today! The Awkward Hey...)...How can it not? Unless there is an established bond of friendship (like a serious friendship), then there's no easy way to say hi. For me at least, I frequently think upon the girl with which I'm about to have contact with's current relationship status. If it is known, the Hey is affected according the situation. If she's taken, the Hey is more sheepish and awkward, mainly because I feel like I'm intruding somehow by acknowledging her...If she's not available, and I'm not interested (which is usually the case), I tend to be warmer, and more open.
Luckily, I think, girls have a keen sense of understanding when it comes to guys. They thankfully don't expect the same contact that they receive from their "girlfriends", and thus we are saved from ever having to resort to loud giggles and an excess of hugging. But, at the same time, I sense that they are longing for more. I guess that's why it feels awkward for me. They may be perfectly happy with a modified grunt and nod (usually consisting of a smile, and maybe some sort of verbal acknowledgement containing more than a syllable), but I get the feeling that they'd like to hug, maybe let out a good cry, or just laugh a little. Who knows....
Then, however, you have the cling-ies...the people who cannot accept a casually quick hello; the one's that just HAVE to stop and talk to you. While I have no problem talking to these people in a normal setting, there's something about it being on the side of the road that just makes me annoyed. Especially while returning home from work/school. Never is there any greater a time for me to not want to talk to people. I like to clam up in my bedroom, or watch a little "Frasier", ignore the world, and eventually crawl back into society...So, these sort of people are barely tolerable at times, and they represent another significant chunk of the Awkward Heys I experience.
So I wonder: Why can't we live like the French, where a simple Bonjour or Salut suffices in casual contact, or the even more fun bisous (the air kisses on the cheeks) for longer visits? I mean, really...What's the deal with our need to alter tradition here in the States, and establish such a primitive and meaningless method of communication? It's as if we don't want to talk to people, and by grunting and nodding, we feel we can escape this! Well, I say that we shouldn't, and that in doing so, we degrade our society one badly pronounced syllable after another. I denounce the grunt and nod. I abhor its wicked ways, and beg that we all do the same! Why must we play mind games with ourselves, desperately seeking the means to say just the right thing in just the right way? Why must we fear how others view our inability to offer up a collected and casual "hey"? Why must this be the way our country functions!?!?!?!?!?!
So, I say this in conclusion:
Here's to the Awkward Hey and all that it represents for a better, more enunciated America!