I think it's normal for film folk to question on a daily basis their career choices. We have picked something so chock full of uncertainty and without the promise of ANY career to speak of, so it's only natural, right?
Right now, at this moment in time, I hate film making. Right now, there is nothing more frustrating and maddening than the circus of inconsistency and mayhem that is film making. And, I think I hate it.
Details aren't important. They'd only do a disservice, actually. Suffice it to say, my choice of pursuing screenwriting must be kismet or written in the stars or whatever because I don't think I could have handled whoring myself out as a Set P.A., or making some bad Sundance hopeful thinking I'd hit it big with a seven-figure distribution deal with Fox Searchlight. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy believing my career as a director was meant to be, and "It'll happen!" being my mantra each and every time I wake up unemployed, poor and in the habit of dodging my landlord.
Anyway, I'm pissed. I'm tired. I'm being completely irrational. Who cares? Sure, screenwriting isn't any better, but at least I like it. At least I enjoy doing it, as opposed to the fallacy that is film making. Film making is like every bad group project you ever worked on in high school, where everyone acts all into it, but they really couldn't give a crap.
Or maybe that's not entirely true. My point is, I'm glad I know where I stand in the world of cinema. I'm glad I've figured this out now, and not later. Now, I can focus. I can breathe. But not yet. Not till after the 25th. Until then I hate film making, and all of its cousins and brothers and nephews. So until then, humor me, and don't write encouraging comments below...
Yours forever,
Habdash
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
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4 comments:
Agreed.
At least to a certain degree. I hated my 419. I hated that I was stuck on a script I didn't want. I hated that no one else on my team supported me. I hated that it didn't look like it was supposed to... the art wasn't right, the cinematography was bland, etc, etc. The alien didn't work, and in fact it felt like nothing did.
It was a horrible experience.
And then I finished it. I put the final touches on the sound and played it in front of an audience. And people laughed.
It was a crappy film in my eyes, because I was comparing it to the film that I had in my brain. It was miles away from my expectations.
And in that moment of watching with an audience I realized, despite all the shitty moments, I really love filmmaking. I love all of its shitty glory.
I would direct again in a heartbeat.
I really loved that process because it taught me so much. There are so many things I couldn't have learned otherwise.
You're right, it totally sucks.
Sometimes it sucks balls.
And people are a bitch.
But I like it too much.
And I would concur that once you've figured out what your niche is, you feel a lot more comfortable in sacrificing yourself to get there. Huzzah for being decisive!
Now if I could only find my way in!!
This is fun! Let's see here:
-No one but friends and close relatives came to work on my set. Katelyn and Houston had to slate a couple of times! Everyone was too busy making other people's films.
-You-know-who never showed up even though he said he would. Twice.
-"You know Natasha, your script isn't perfect."
And many more. But wasn't it worth it just to hear Johanna yell "Why aren't you people watching conference?!" ?
Get better soon, or better yet, write an awesome script about how pointless filmmaking can sometimes be.
I hear your pain. I hate it so much I went to get a masters degree in social work.
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