The Pelican Brief

You asked. I give:

Alright, so for those of you who watch Chuck (and if you don't, why not? It's a relatively harmless good time), you probably know about Captain Awesome.

Captain Awesome (seen to your left, my right) is the oft shirtless beefcake seen traipsing around the apartment of Chuck and his sister, Ellie (also pictured). Awesome (as he's often called by Chuck) is Ellie's doctor fiancé, and probably one of the nicest guys in the world. He is the perfect gentleman to Ellie, and a sweet "bro" to Chuck's nerdtastic antics and even to his friends. He's loving, caring, and ripped; he's like Edward, but without the sparkles and the blood sucking (and the creepy night-stalking). He's like the epitome of the perfect guy, a great foil for both of the Bartowski siblings who are full of insecurities.

So, how does this all relate to BYU? Well, within the walls of the world's largest (and driest) Bubble, you'll find a whole mess of Captain Awesomes. Yeah, sure, there's a good number of Chuck's, or even Morgan's (Chuck's hopeless best friend), but the vast majority seem to fall into the Awesome category...

Why? Well, if it's not apparent already to most people, BYU has a lot of pretty faces. A lot. Looks are very important to both guys and girls, and it shows. When the metrosexual movement threatened to destroy the very fabric of society, the homies at the BYU were all over it. Finally! They cried! They could dress fab-u-lous, and still get girls! There's a lot of superficiality involved in it, but this quest for sex appeal is so common there because, in the game of coupling, looks are paramount.

But, you ask, not everyone is as good looking as Captain Awesome... Yes, but you've seemed to have forgotten the other half of what makes Captain Awesome so awesome: his genteel nature. Now, you'd be hard-pressed to argue that BYU is not full of the nicest people on the planet... A few examples: If you're running into a building, 9 times out of 10, the door will be held open for you... If you lose something on campus, you'll probably get it back... If you slip on some ice, you'll probably get helped... They're just like that. The majority of the guys at the school served missions, faithfully giving up themselves for two years, and getting lost in the service of others, so that's certainly a factor. They've served in leadership positions, walked through scary neighborhoods, faced daily persecution, and they all (myself included) came out the other side, smiling, and grateful for those two years. So, in essence, the majority of the males at Brigham Young University are, in some respects, Captain Awesomes in their own right.

But, you ask again (what's with the buts? Are you never satisfied?), what does this all mean? Well, having come out of the BYU experience unmarried, single and yearning, I feel like I had to take stock and think "What did I do wrong?"*

This is when I began to realize that during my time there, I was in CONSTANT competition with the Captain Awesomes. I can't call myself awesome. I just can't. I know I'm not drop-dead handsome, and I'm okay with that. I know I don't dress fashionably, or wear polo shirts, and I'm definitely okay with that. I know my body is tubbier than it should be (not okay with that), but I'm willing to accept it for now. Yeah, I served a mission, and I learned a ton, but I still feel spiritually weak. I consider myself a nice guy, but I tend to become an intense misanthrope when placed in small spaces with big crowds, or at Smith's on a Monday or Saturday night. I feel flawed. And I project that. A lot. I'm aware of this.

So, here's my theory:

People like me will always be overlooked, because of the Awesomes of the world. And, in an environment like BYU, I didn't stand a chance, since the majority of the student population falls into the Awesome category in some respect, whereas I just don't have what it takes.

I know my theory is flawed (its a theory after all), and like all theorists, I must recognize these flaws. Here they are:

Most people feel like me. Most people feel inadequate, and no matter how strong spiritually, or attractive physically, most human beings feel flawed (as they should, or else we'd all be screwed). Also, me blaming my singles status on factors out of my control is lazy, and stupid. I'm well aware that I could have dated anyone that I wanted to, but the fact is, I didn't. I didn't date hardly at all. My own fault. And also, who am I to classify myself as throughly un-Awesome? I don't think I'm allowed to say this, but for all intents and purposes, I'm not awesome. Okay? So, just roll with it. If you disagree, then comment below. If you're also single, and ready to mingle, you know my number...

But, what I can say is that the problem with BYU for people with low self-image is that they will most certainly not feel welcome. Yeah, people will love them, and they'll make friends, but will they date? Will they get married? Possibly, but not certainly. Being surrounded by Awesomes all day long can really make a person nervous, thrusting their self-esteem even further down the toilet. It's never easy to feel bad about who you are, but when there's a constant reminder that you aren't what you want to be, or what others wish you to be, it's devastating. I don't think I ever felt this bad, but I came close, especially during the lonely times.

But, I think it's why I abhorred the dating scene in Provo, because I just felt like I would never get a shot. Why pick me, when you can have Pecsnabs Smith? Or Tim McGelhair? It's all a very vicious, unending cycle of self-loathing and misanthropic detest. It's pretty lame.

But, lest you believe I'm bitter, or upset or what have you, I'm not. I actually never saw myself as being married while in school. I just couldn't imagine it. Would I have done it, had the opportunity arisen? Of course. I'm no fool.

So, there you have it. My soul, on a platter of speculation and NBC television programs. Don't pity me, because I don't need it. What I need is a girl, and I'm pretty sure I don't want her pity.

Is that too much to ask!?!?!?