The Pits...

Here, my friends, is what I like to deem "The Pits", or the worst films I saw this year. There are many, and each deserves complete ridicule for wasting my time, and the time of a good chunk of America (in the case of a few of them). I generally try to steer clear of bad films, but sometimes, my carnal nature gets the very best of me, and I just can't resist. So, here it is, at long last, The Pits of 2005

1. The Fog - Oh. My. Freak. This piece of garbage was absolute junk. Not once did I flinch from the supposed "horror" aspect of it all. Each and every moment was incredibly hilarious in all the wrong ways. Waste of talent on the parts of Tom Welling and Maggie Grace (R.I.P. Shannon), and sadly, its not going to do much for the latter, career-wise. I pray that this film is not being viewed by any more people than it has to, and I hope with all my heart that there aren't people out there who actually believe its a good film. If that be the case, then our nation is truly in a sad state of affairs....Damn you Bush....

2. The Transporter 2 - Simply put, I could barely stand to sit through this. Shoddy direction, terribly writing, and some of the WORST acting (Amber Velleta! What the freak were you doing in this garbage?!?!?!) EVER...The story was about as cliché as it was improbable. While some of the fight sequences did merit some praise, they weren't enough to tickle my fancy straight to the video store to purchase this. I'm a sucker for a great action movie, even those that may be improbable and cliché (Die Hard, anyone?), but this...This was terrible. I expect more out of you, Luc Besson....La honte, M. Besson...La honte....

3. The Ring Two - Gag me. While the first one had me simply terrified and petrified for about a week after seeing it, this one left me cold. I just couldn't figure it out. It was filled with strange symbolism ( I think) and even stranger moments. It was a well put together film, but it failed to impress me on many levels. It lacked any resonate core. The whole possession story was stupid and forced, and the fact that they completely eliminate the tape from the film in the first 10 minutes made me want to cry. Thats what made the first one so fabulous. My hope for the sequel? Imagine if the tape had reached all across the US, like an epidemic...What if that were the case? Think of the story they COULD have come up with had they sat down and not tried to copy Dark Water.

4. Dark Water - And when I say Dark Water up above, I mean the Japanese film. This one was released after The Ring Two, and it was absolute junk as well. What begins as a promising drama, and slightly creepy film, just turns into a failed premise with no scares to be found, anywhere. Jennifer Connally is good in it, as is most of the other cast members, and its their performances that place this film at number 4, and not at number 1, because the film itself was a terrible, terrible let down. So many red herrings in the first hour that elude to a more sinister plot, but none of them go anywhere, so you feel cheated. I felt cheated, for sure...Ugh...

5. The Brothers Grimm - I'm getting rather tired of panning these films in long paragraphs, so I think I'll continue to just give a brief reason why I hated it. This one was too long, and way to confusing. The story could have been great, and the references to classic fairy tales were fun, but just not good enough. Very morbid and slightly depressing...Not Gilliam's best...*sigh*

6. Exorcism of Emily Rose - This films on the list because it just didn't scare me like I'd hoped it would. Instead, its an intriguing, yet slightly boring courtroom drama that held my interest, but I didn't care for the characters. It was okay. We're getting to the point on the list where the movies weren't the best I saw, nor were they the worst...they just weren't great. Emily Rose is one of them. I didn't mind it, but it just failed to impress.

7. Flightplan - Same goes with this film. Great opening, and the first hour is great, but the last half an hour or so just get dumb. Once we find out the solution to the mystery, its hard to care anymore. It was almost too easy.

8. The Skeleton Key - This film was also just okay. It had some semi-creepy moments, but all in all, it wasn't a cut above. The twist end was pretty cool, but at the same time, it certainly wasn't as Sixth Sense-like as they'd advertised it to be. But, the twist was original, and it was a nice diversion from the terrible lot of Japanese horror remakes that make up the top of my list...

9. The Amityville Horror - Ditto everything I said about all of the other horror movies on this list. Not scary, and ridiculously pathetic. A Failure on all counts (And yes, the capital F is on purpose...Aren't I clever?!?!?!11) ...This one should be near the top, right under The Ring Two, but alas, I'm again too lazy to move it...

That's it. I can't think of anymore films that should be up here...If I do, I'll be sure to update...

Oh, and be sure to read my Tops... post for my Top Ten Films of 2005...

ciao
parker